


Can't U See ?

by rainbowdots888



Category: Kanjani8 (Band)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, Light Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-24
Updated: 2016-10-24
Packaged: 2018-08-24 12:02:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8371600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowdots888/pseuds/rainbowdots888
Summary: Ohkura has trouble reading through Ryo's playful attitude. Where is their little game leading them ?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Song series ! :-) Written inspired by the title "Can't U see ?", the line "Can't you see baby I want you I want you more..." and the overall *painful love* atmosphere of the melody. I did not translate the whole song, so it may not reflect what you think about when listening to it. That's just my own feelings... 1st person story (it fits the title).

It's six in the afternoon and it's already dark. 

The green room smells faintly like sweat and dust accumulated in the heating system throughout summer. Neon bulbs are buzzing and clicking over my head as I'm changing. I don't like this place. We rarely come here for rehearsal, only when the other studios are already booked. I'd like to leave quickly, before this smell makes me nauseous, before Ryo comes out of the shower. 

But I won't be that lucky today, he's already on his way out, a towel draped around his thin hips and water still dripping on his chest. He is singing the melody of our new song, a key lower than usual, and he seems happy. That makes at least one of us content with the current situation.

I'd love to disappear right now. I'd love the ground to open and swallow me and my things, entirely. He's looking at me and smiles. The sunny smile I love so much. He's cute and hot at the same time, brushing his hair back absentmindedly with his hand. I think he winked at me, I'm not sure of anything anymore. Yesterday night, after a lot of drinks, we had sex for the first time.

 

*********

It's been a week already and he still looks at me like this. This cute smiling gaze that demands more.  
What will happen if I ever give him more ? He is touchy today and I do my best to resist, to muffle the loud beatings of my heart. Maybe if I remain calm and cold, he'll stop, and I'll be able to go back to my lonely fantasies.

But after the recording, he grabs my sleeve and drags me into an empty room. His mouth is already on my neck, sucking and biting as his hands are getting rid of the fitting costume I'm wearing. I could protest, say that I don't want here and now... But the fact is, I want it. I want it to happen again and again until we're old and retired. I also want the tenderness, the evenings watching movies and talking for hours. I want the caresses and the declarations, the sappy texts and the consolation when we can't handle the world anymore. He does not. 

It's been years that my heart beats for my childhood friend, my Ryo-chan. I always try to suppress my feelings, I don't want to tell him and break what we already have together. It was madness to yield under his kisses last time, it's a mistake to surrender again now, in this small room, embraced on the floor like thieves. I can't say I hate the urgency of it all, I even love how his grunts sound, muffled against my skin as he thrusts into me with force. It's overwhelming and delicious, his lips are all over my chest and I go crazy, second after second, imagining we're making love on a beach under the sun and that we'll cuddle for hours afterwards. He reaches that spot inside me that unleashes my wildest moans. But his hand goes up and lands on my mouth, light but firm. He murmurs “Sshhhhh”. 

After we came, we're left panting on the floor and he's already searching for his clothes, discarded around us. He's not looking at me, he does not cuddle. We're on a concrete floor and it's cold. My hand goes up and grabs his forearm, I need contact, I need his warmth. He looks at me, surprised, and smiles.

“You're so hot, Ohkura.” he says. 

No, I'm cold.

 

*******

 

And there we are again. I'm trapped in the elevator with him. He has pushed the stop button and things got hectic. I'm making the same mistakes, over and over. He's quickly moaning like a whore under my hand, exaggerating every sound, filling my ears with his enjoyment. His body shivers strongly and he comes all over my hand, saying “Ah... Ohkura.”. His nails are scratching my nape, sending a wave of pleasure down my spine. But his mouth is refusing me the kiss I was looking for. He's already zipping his trousers shut and pushes the open button of the elevator doors. While walking away in the corridor leading to the meeting room he turns and looks at me, amused, biting slightly his lower lip. Once again he took what he could and I gave all I could. Once again I was his willing slave for short minutes. I cry in that elevator, as the doors close on me. But he doesn't see, as usual. 

My heart is a wreck. Next time, yes, next time I'll say no. I'll explain everything... next time.

 

********

 

Subaru kun finds me, one day, hiding behind a door. I know I look ridiculous there and he's giving me the “Are you okay, buddy” look that triggers questions. I stutter a stupid explanation. He's not convinced at all. 

When I finally break down, it's in his comforting and brotherly arms. We went to another room and he's suddenly drowned in my sorrow, he clearly did not expect something like this. It's a little awkward, I usually cry in Shin-chan arms when it's too much. But today, Subaru is the only one available. And he's doing his job wonderfully...

He tells me to stop, to say no and to talk. I know all that of course but it's like I become paralyzed in Ryo's arms, only able to give him my whole self like a sacrifice. My friend suggests that we organize a dinner at my place, all of us, this way the atmosphere won't be strange. And I'll talk to Ryo in a separated room, he won't be able to do anything else than listening to me. I agree and hug him tighter. He's so small in my arms, and definitely embarassed. But that's how I love him, that silent and awkward big brother.

********

 

The dinner is going well, everyone has fun. As the boys are heatedly talking about our next project, I tap Ryo's shoulder and show him the direction of my room. He looks surprised but follows discretly, a questioning frown marking his lovely eyebrows. Once inside, door closed, he walks to me slowly and I see on his face that he knows something is off. No smile coming from me, no desperate attempt at kissing his tempting lips.

His hand is reaching forward and the tip of his fingers touch my arm. It triggers everything, I suddenly find the courage to tell him.

“Ryo... What we do... It's not a good thing.” He looks hurt suddenly, as if I just hit him. My heart sinks, I feel the tears coming. “It's not a good thing, because... Because I love you. For real. And you don't. We can't keep playing like that...”

“Can't you see, though...”

His fingers slowly leave my arm. His black orbs are not surprised anymore, just blank. Maybe a little sad as well, I don't know. I'm drowning into agony, I want to tell him it was just a bad joke, I want to grab his neck and press a kiss onto his lips. I suddenly realize that I won't share his kisses anymore, I won't have his smell on me anymore, he won't whisper my name at the peak of his ecstasy, his voice hoarse and spent as his damp hair brush my chest. It's all too much for me and I cry. He stares at me, bites his lips and leaves, without a word. Ryo grabs his leather jacket, doesn't say anything to the others, who are all looking at him, puzzled, and is out of my place in the blink of an eye. 

Subaru gets it quickly, he gathers the guys, whispering some explanation and they leave as well, without a question. Yasu has a movement towards me but Hina pushes him gently towards the door. It's 11:30pm, the dinner is over.

 

********

 

I'm sitting on the sofa, looking at the hours passing on the clock. Midnight, one thirty, three... Everything is silent, it's dark in the apartment and I like it this way. I left the mess on the table unattended, I'll clean that later. For now, I need to empty my body and soul of the noises and the feelings.

It's three in the morning and there's a soft knock at my door. So soft I could think it's just a cat scratching it. But it's there again, and again, insisting and disturbing me in my thoughts. 

I open the door.

He's here. In front of me, hiding behind nineteen yellow roses. I'm so dumbfounded that my brain has enough time to count them and admire the sunny colour of their petals. I hear his voice, small and embarassed.

“Can I come in ? It's fucking cold out there.”

I stutter a “sure” and move aside to let him in. The door closes and we are left looking at each other, separated by nineteen gorgeous flowers. 

“I wanted to find the rare green ones, but you know... Finding flowers at this hour of the night is hard, even in Tokyo. So I settled for the yellow ones.” He is terribly cute, a strong blush invading his cheeks as he speaks with his small, apologetic voice.

“I love them. Thank you.” My voice is not assured, I still wonder what he's doing here after what happened a few hours ago. And why the flowers ?

“Okay, hm, I'm going to say it now, because I don't fucking know if I'll have enough courage after.” He is clearing his throat. The flowers still in hand and a shy look in his eyes, he suddenly talks. “I'm so sorry if I hurt you and your feelings or I gave you the impression that I was playing. I wasn't. I'm just still really astounded that you, above all, accepted me in your arms and bed. I wanted it so much. I thought that one day, you'd reject me and it would be over. So I made mistakes. I didn't understand why you kept accepting me and my desires but I took what you offered, as if you were going to take it back immediately. I was scared. I'm sorry. So tonight, here are flowers. To say that it's not a game for me, Ohkura. It's not just a game.”

I stay put, still processing what he just said to me. I only have one question left, in a corner of my mind.

“Why nineteen of them ?” I ask, touching carefully the silky petals of the flowers. It feels like his skin under the tip of my fingers.

“'Cause we met nineteen years ago. You're almost twenty years of my life, and no matter what happens between us, I...”

I don't want to hear the rest of his sentence, I just want to remain balancing on this delicious edge between ignorance and confirmation. So I take his lips, claim his mouth with the most meaningful kiss I can give him. When he kisses me back, tossing the flowers on the nearest furniture to encircle my waist with his arms, somewhere in me, I know. 

I know that tonight, something changed.


End file.
